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Transcript
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Introducing DEATH
02:43
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Transcript.
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Did it work?
I don’t know
Did what work?
Well there’s our answer, we have a chair for you here, I’ll leave you guys to it
I am… very confused
Just take a seat
Hi, Death, thank you for coming
You summoned me using the Rite of AshKente, it’s not as though I had any choice in the matter
Yes, yes, sorry about that. How was Halloween for you then?
Halloween?
I was actually enjoying a lovely holiday on the beach in XXXX. As ever, I have been summoned at a most inopportune time
Oh, right, sorry.
So, you were on the beach wearing a full length, hooded, black robe?
Well, it’s not as though I need to work on my tan, is it?
Of course. Well welcome to the Book Club with Simon Dawson and Olli On The Radio. We’re always interested in talking about books, umm what’s that you’re reading?
It started out as the “Biography of General Tacticus”, but while I was lying on the beach, it appears to have turned into something called “The Omega Conspiracy” I tried a mystery novel once, but it seemed a little pointless to sit through the whole mystery when I could solve it by reading the last chapter first
That can happen. We’ve got a couple of questions from listeners, but first off, Simon wanted to know; will you accept a bribe, and if so, how much?
I have no need of mortal money, unless I fancy a curry, so a bribe will not sway me. it is, however, common knowledge that you can challenge me to a game for your life
Has anyone ever won?
A few, Granny Weatherwax challenged me to a game of poker for a child's life and all I had were four ones.
Ones? You mean Aces?
No, they were definitely ones. If they had been Aces, then she would have lost, and the child would have died! and me with her knowing granny
Oh … Oh yes, I see…
Another quick one from Simon.
One more!
You can see everything that has ever happened and everything that is going to happen, right?
Yes, it’s a right pain in the coccyx!
Can you tell him next week’s lottery numbers?
He’s had his one more question. Move on.
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3. |
DEATH interview part 3
00:57
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Transcript.
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Debbie has asked about The Hogfather, also Pete Moore asks do you have any plans to go out and help the Hogfather this year?
He’s back behind the reins, and I sincerely hope he stays that way. If I see another pork pie, I think I will be sick, and that isn’t even anatomically possible.
Stephen Keene asks ; “Does it hurt?”
Does what hurt?
I think he’s asking if death hurts.
No, death is completely painless. The time leading up to it, however, can be quite excruciating.
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Reinier Smedding asks; “Is God real?”
All religion is true, for a given value of true
George coulter asks, “what is the meaning of life?”
the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death
Kate Lynn-Deverre wants to know if there is chocolate and ice cream after death.
The afterlife is whatever you believe it to be.
So, you get whatever reward you believe you deserve no matter how moral or immoral you’ve been in life?
Yes
Well where’s the justice in that?
There is no justice, there is just me
Joe Dudziak asks if you’ve finished using his hedge trimmer
Oh nag, nag, nag! I’ve told you joe, I’ll finish when I finish
I’m given to understand that you have a rather large collection of books.
Yes, the biographies
Now, taking into account L-Space, could someone with a large enough library find their way to your library?
They would need to be an exceptionally good librarian. I daresay no human could manage it
Stephen Shelton askes if you do requests
Alas, while I do own a violin, I have been reliably informed that I play abominably
I think he meant death requests
Ah, I see. In that case, first of all that would be highly unethical, and second of all, the decision of who dies is not down to me, even if it were, your world is not within my purview
Who would win a football match between the present England squad, and the 1966 World Cup winning squad?
That would be a close game, but I think the present squad, by a single goal.
Really? The 1966 squad had some dazzling stars. Jimmy Greaves, Bobby Charlton, Bobby Moore, Alan Ball, Gordon Banks in goal? Is it because you think the old team wouldn’t be up to date with current rules?
No, it’s because Bobby Moore and Alan Ball are dead, Banksy lost an eye, and they’re all in the seventies now.
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Olli Tooley Ilfracombe, UK
I was the lead singer in 'Led Zep Too' a Led Zeppelin tribute band for 7 years.
Then I spent a short time in Martin
Murray's Honeycombs.
More recently I have turned my hand to writing and have decided to try offering my next audiobook on Bandcamp so I can keep the price down
... more
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